captured from the music video: here.
Words: Tori Watson
Illustration: Taylor Dolan
i am helium glazed, punch-drunk head full of sugar air.
nerves like live wires, lithe and fizzy.
(you mouth things to me on the backs of my eyelids,
my hallucinating finger paces the length
of your bottom lip.)
everything feels so close now,
the room is holding its breath.
you have made me forget subtlety, pretense clattering;
i am sure a false move will follow and i’ll be exposed.
(i am fused, blithely untenable. it is only a matter of time.)
this is the beginning, i will remember.
sometimes it will ache with promise
but delicately, now,
i hold that promise in between my fingers
and it sings!
[it sings!, February 24th 2013, 11pm.]
"a good family barbecue, alcohol fuelled laughter, ampersands, ani difranco, being brave, bottomless pits of laughter, boys who don’t try, choosing, comfortable silences, digging non-literal holes, doing dares, duvets with no drafts, euphoria, experiments in subjecting myself, faking confidence, far-fetched stories, flowers as gifts, forgetting mistakes, free drinks, geek glasses, geeks with attitude, getting financially comfortable, glass ketchup bottles, hannah’s intoxicating laugh, having meaningful conversations, having my hair stroked, hilarious misunderstandings, intense charity shop hilarity, jeanette winterson, late night epiphanies, listening to lynne sing, llamas, losing weight, love like a tsunami, magnetic poetry, meeting in the library, milk, mooses, not fearing the worst, not putting myself down, not thinking about ‘future’, people remembering my name, performance arts duals, plausible excuses, polaroids, post-gym euphoria, pyjamas, random dumb missions, reaching conclusions about me, red, resolving dramas, ryan adams, scars, secrets, smiling for no reason, spontaneity, stars, sudden inspiration, sweet tea, sylvia plath, taking time to care, telling elaborate white lies, that fuzzy feeling, thawing by log fires, the beauty of fragility, the bell jar, the mezzanine spiral staircase, the smell of lilies, throwing peachhalves into fryingpans, unconditional friends, unexpected presents, vegetables, vivid dreams i remember, water, when i’m not freezing, when love conquers all, when things get better, white russians, words, words & meanings, yawning lilies"
a list i just found of things i liked in 2004.
friday night in on my own as i actually feel.
afternoon music & nearly naps.
(portrait of lis & my feet, glasgow, feb ‘13)
We were lying side by side in the grass. It was Summer. You were trying to get to the bottom of my unhappiness.
"Are you afraid you’ll fail?
I shook my head.
"Are you afraid you’ll end up alone?"
I sat up on my elbows to look over at you, “No, that’s not it.”
I paused searching for the answer. It would be nice to succeed, but it didn’t bother me to fail. And it was always better having people around me, but I quite liked my own company too.
Tentatively, I found the words. “I’m afraid I’m not going to enjoy myself.”
And even though you were merely a daydream and I could have put any words into your mouth, you had nothing to say. You simply looked at me with a perturbed expression on your face and then you vanished into thin air.